I consider myself a pretty well seasoned traveler. In my younger years, I was what is known as a road warrior. I traveled so often, that there was a period of time that I did the math to find out if it would be cheaper to rent a hotel room, rather than my apartment given the number of days I was there a month. My years of heavy travel spanned on both sides of 9-11, so I remember with fondness the days of getting to your gate 2 minutes before take off and still getting your seat. I had friends and family standing at the actual gate to greet me when I arrived, and waved at friends as they took off in their planes.
Post 9-11, many changes have occurred. I, like most other road warriors, took them in stride. You can’t fight the system, so you might as well flow with it as best you can. I’ve been subjected to more searches, pat downs, scans, questions, and general scruitinzation then I care to remember. None of it really bothers me. For the most part, these folks are simply doing their job, and really do strive to make things simple and safe for the public at large.
I am going to tell you a story, however, of what NOT to do when you travel. It was all over a small, orange, drawstring bag that my 3 year old son leant to me for my crochet project. (yes. I crochet. Stop laughing and read the story…)
Airline baggage policies have become laughable in the past 10 years. It used to be, if you could carry it and fit it through an X-Ray machine, you could bring it on board. Now, it takes some well thought out planning and quite a bit of extra money if you want to take the comforts of home (Read: necessities) along with you.
Checked baggage hasn’t changed much. You can still pretty much put anything in checked baggage you like as long as it isn’t overtly nepharious such as a bomb. Even firearms are allowed with the proper paperwork. What has changed is the price. Be prepared to pay for such a luxury such as a full sized shampoo bottle, or fingernail clippers. A checked bag at your typical airline will run you $50-$100 – more if it’s an oversized or heavy bag. If you are a family of 4 traveling to Disney World, be prepared to pay through your Mouska-ears.
If you decide to pay for your baggage to be checked through to your final destination, realize the likely hood of it actually making it there is far from 100%. Back in my novice days, I checked a bag from Detroit, MI to Boston, MA. Non stop. I made it, but my bag did not. 3 days of teaching an environmental business class in my T-shirt, shorts and Birkenstocks (which at least added an air of authenticity to my subject matter) - still no baggage. I spent hours – literally HOURS – on the phone with various airline personnel trying to track it down. I am convinced these folks get paid (or there is an office pool going) to see how long they can get me to stay on hold without hanging up, or how many times they can say “I’m sorry maam, but there’s nothing I can do” without me breaking out into a tirade of swear words that would make my navel grandfather blush.
My baggage arrived 2 days after I returned home. I consider myself one of the lucky ones.
You should also be aware that the TSA has the authority to search any bag they choose. When I do decide to check baggage, the likely hood of me opening it up upon arrival and seeing one of those blue “TSA has inspected the contents of this luggage” brochures inside my bag (usually under a bra) is pretty high. I understand that this is done for “safety” reasons, but the thought of some TSA guy fingering my unmentionables is a little disconcerting.
Being that I rarely travel for more than 3 days at a time anymore, I have long ago decided that carry on’s is the way to go. This, however, is not without its own set of problems.
First – the liquid restriction. The 3.4 oz container restriction is unfair to women. My husband can subsist for a month on 1 pair of underwear, a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and a bar of soap. None of these things need to go in the little clear baggie (although, soap is pretty hard to get though security…I’ll share that story some other time…). I require a whole cabinet full of creams, lotions, salves, sprays and liquids to keep me in presentable, public condition. Very few of which come in 3.4 oz or less containers. (as a side note – I am aware that hairspray comes in smaller containers, but I grew up Downriver Michigan. Any Downriver girl worth her Bob-Jo’s Frozen custard (Thanks for the correction Magikjaz - loves me some Bob-Jo's...) knows that 3.4 oz of hairspray does not even come CLOSE to cutting it for 1 evening, let alone 3+ days.)
Secondly – Plane space. I live in Madison, WI. I love it here. The downside is, almost any flight going in/out of Madison is not on a double decker 747. It’s on a 2 seat by 1 seat commuter plane. This means that if your carry on is a roller bag, you are more than likely out of luck. (bonus perk advice – if you make it through security with your carry on bag and it won’t fit on the plane, they will check it plane side for you. FOR FREE.)
Thirdly – Purses. This is also unfair to women. You can carry on a bag and a “personal item”. Most men I see travel this means a carry-on bag and a computer bag. I have a computer bag, a carry-on bag and my purse….and this is where my melt down began…
Let me state up front (in the interest of not getting blackballed from all future flights) I know that there are a lot of very wonderful people in the airline industry. I also know that the rules and regulations are not made up by them, simply enforced. I can appreciate that. So, when I was in line to board my flight and I had my computer bag, my purse and my carry-on and the gate agent said “ma’am, please step to the side and combine your articles to 2 items.” I had no major issue. I stepped aside, did a bit of creative rearranging of my (extremely overstuffed) carry-on and got back in line. As I was arranging my articles, I took out my crocheting from my computer bag in preparation for storing my computer bag under the seat in front of me for the flight. It was merely a gesture of efficiency.
I should point out here, that this bag is a VERY SMALL bag, more like a pouch really. I wasn’t making a king size blanket. It was a scarf, in the very beginning stages. This “bag” fit in the front zipper compartment of my computer bag – literally about 6” x 4”. She SAW me take it out of my computer bag, so I assume she could use deductive reasoning to figure out it would fit back in.
However, this was not her response. Her response was to get on the loudspeaker and announce, to the entire gate area, that no more than 2 items would be allowed on the plane due to FAA mandates. I heard her, I just figured that since I had already combined my items she wasn’t talking to me. When I didn’t put my offending bag away, she took action.
Putting down her loudspeaker mic, she stalked up to me and proceeded to threaten to remove me from the flight. “I told you to reduce it to 2 items. You will not be allowed to board the flight with more than that.” She then stood there in front of me, well within my personal space with her 1950’s frosted hair and marching band suit uniform, crossed her arms in front of herself and TAPPED…HER…FOOT.
I looked at her and asked if she was serious. (She was) I tried explaining that it fit in my computer bag, I was just removing it for ease of transportation. She repeated the mantra “I told you to reduce it to 2 items. You will not be allowed to board the flight with more than that.”
By this time I was holding up the line to board the plane. And the discussion began to increase in volume. And yet, I refused to relent. I was adamant that I was going to make this woman see common sense reason. (I should have just put the damn bag away). I explained to her (again) why I took it out, and decided to follow this explanation up with what was actually in the bag (maybe she didn’t believe my crochet story). Not to be swayed, This led to her pointing at each one of my bags and counting out loud.
One (point)
Two (point)
Three (point)
(tap, tap, tap with the foot)
As anyone who has flown since 9-11 will tell you, the terrorists did not steal our pride as Americans, our confidence or our sense of well being in the world. What they did steal, however, is the humor out of anyone working in the airline industry. Those folks have no appreciation for sarcasm, jest or hyperbole. AT. ALL. None. So the following, in retrospect, was not a wise decision on my part. But, in my defense, it was an O’Dark Thirty flight and I was operating on one cup of coffee. It takes at least 3 or 4 cups for my sarcasm suppressor cells to kick in.
Visibly pissed now, and realizing that my dream of injecting common sense into the situation was a complete failure, I flung my computer bag around to my front and stuffed my crochet in the front. She plucked my ticket from my fingers and scanned it in. I stomped toward the jet bridge.
I then (very quietly – under my breath) made the comment “It’s crocheting, for God sake. Not a bomb.”
Oh. Fucksticks. That was a bad idea.
I’ll spare you the details, but security was called and my bags (all 3 of them) were painstakingly searched, I was reprimanded by the police and missed my original flight.
When I went to board the next available flight (2 hours later) I walked onto the plane with my crochet pouch and my computer bag swinging happily and separately on my shoulder and my roller bag being pulled along behind me.
The new gate agent, never said a word.
